The 12 Days of Cubsmas

Not many people know this, but it’s always been my dream to leave it all behind and head out to Branson, MO to become a low-level lounge singer. Think about it: I’m smarmy, cheesy, possessed of a swarthy handsomeness and decided lack of real talent, and I love wearing crushed velvet. It’s a perfect fit.

The one thing I don’t have, however, is practice. So with Christmas upon us and all kinds of joy (or is that methane?) in the air, I wanted to try my hand at a little song-writing. Below, you’ll find two original versions of the classic tune The 12 Days of Christmas, but with a Cubbish twist.

I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them. And if they are shared enough and reach epic levels of readership, I’ll even lay them on wax (which, for you kids out there, is slang for “record them”) in order to share my brassy baritone with the world.

The 12 Days of Cubsmas (Front Office Mix)

On the twelfth day of Cubsmas
Epstoyer sent to me:

Twelve Bryants sparkling
Eleven Lesters leading
Ten catchers framing
Nine Mendys shifting
Eight Mottes-a-hurling
Seven Starlins doubling
Six Rizzos stretching
Five Baez Swings
Four bat flips
Three bench men
Two Cuban dudes
And some better OBP in left field

The 12 Days of Cubsmas (Ownership Mix)

On the twelfth day of Cubsmas
Tom Ricketts sent to me:

Twelve notes foreclosing
Eleven dumpsters filling
Ten Ronnies wooing
Nine buck beer pouring
Eight meatballs griping
Seven Signs-a-selling
Six Gulls-a-flying
Five molding cakes
Four retail shops
Three Henchmen
Two Turtle Doves
And a jumbotron out in left field

So there you have it: the first two tracks off of my soon-to-not-be-at-all-famous Cubs Christmas album. Be sure to check back soon, as I plan to release lyrics to some of my other songs as we move through the holiday season.

Future earworms include:

‘Twas the Night Before Cubsmas (spoken word)

Joe to the World

Ronnie the Woo Man

Oh, Little Town of Wrigleyville

I’m Dreaming of a Bryant Kris-mas

Joe Holy Night

It Came Upon a Midnight Beer

It’s the Most Wonderful Time to Wait ‘Til Next Year

Feliz Navidad (performed by Dave Martinez)