Total Ellipsis of the Heart: Splicing Cubs Quotes to Create New Narratives
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s done this, right? After all, it’s really just a literary version of “yada, yada.” Yes, it displays a bit of moral turpitude, but when you’re a college kid looking for a way to bolster the supporting evidence in a paper that’s due sooner than you remembered, you often have to make due.
I’m writing, of course, about cutting out a few words here or there to redirect the intent of a given quote in your favor. It’s essentially an ellipsis of the heart; Bonnie Tyler knows what I’m talking about here.
Rest assured, dear reader, that I’ve not done any of this in days as your 47th-favorite Cubs blogger. And in case any of my former Hanover professors are reading this (and I’m sure they’re not), I can probably count the offenses on one hand. It was only every now and then and certainly once upon a time.
Anywho, I was reading something the other day from a Cubs beat writer who will go unnamed and I found myself laughing. In the wake of the celebration of the team placing 6 prospects in the top 50 — including Nos. 1 and 3 — he saw fit to make a big ‘ol No. 2 of negativity on all the happiness and hope.
But thanks to another Chicago baseball writer, we know that even that giant narrative turd can be flushed in Mesa…
Just used a Sloan toilet at the Cubs newly named Sloan Field . Great water pressure
— Bruce Levine (@MLBBruceLevine) February 19, 2015
Now if we could just get him to stop putting that darn space before the period. Seriously, this is my new mission. Bruce, stop using your iPhone’s auto-complete. Or, if you must, just be sure to backspace after you’ve selected the full word from the possibilities it gives you. Whew, had to get that out.
But enough about other people, let’s get back to me. Players are arriving in Mesa in the best shapes of their lives and everyone’s anxious to get soundbites from this guy and that guy. But to many choose to do as Crash Davis instructed Nuke LaLoosh, which was to speak only in platitudes and clichés.
So, in keeping with my scholastic skullduggery of yore, I thought it’d be fun to take some quotes from Cubs players and staff and tweak them just a bit to see what happens. Watch as I create and support my own skewed narratives (originals in italics).
Joe Maddon thinks the new commissioner is worthless
What I chose to write:
“…what the commissioner is attempting to do in Major League Baseball…people see it as being a weakness. Right away…’he must be weak.’ The mental skills…slow things down.”
What he really said:
“I respect what the commissioner is attempting to do in Major League Baseball in general. I will just check [the rules] out, play good in the sandbox and make it work.”
“Here’s the thing about sports psychologists that people get confused with — people see it as being a weakness. Right away, ‘This guy wants a sports psychologist, he must be weak.’ That’s the furthest thing from the truth. To me, it’s just another coach, another skill. We have hitting coaches, we have pitching coaches, we have infield coaches, we have coaches for everything. The mental skills coach really can help you develop a routine that causes you to step out of the batter’s box or get off the rubber or take that little extra moment in order to recapture the thought process and slow things down.”
Anthony Rizzo isn’t as confident as you thought
What I chose to write:
“Are we going to finish in fourth place? Yes…it’s the first few days of Spring Training and everyone all across the league is upbeat. Then again, the renovations with Wrigley will make the fan experience a lot better.”
What he really said:
“They were all wondering if I was going to say — ‘What are we going to finish, in fourth place?’ Everyone’s really excited and it’s good. We’re coming in here and we’re preparing to win and the biggest thing is to get everyone pulling for each other, become one unit, one team.”
“We all have to pull for each other, from the first man to the 25th man. Everyone will be able to be a hero every single day on our team. When someone is in that position to succeed, we all have to be pulling for him.”
“From the convention to the first few days here, yes, everyone’s more upbeat,” Rizzo said. “Then again, it’s the first few days of Spring Training and everyone all across the league is upbeat. The expectations are set at a higher bar this year and we’re all excited for it.”
“That’s exciting stuff. This will be new stuff, the new generation, the new things to come, hopefully, will start now. The renovations with Wrigley will only help us players and make the fan experience a lot better. With the tradition of the ballpark still there and the new stuff they’re adding, I think it’s great.”
Kris Bryant is a prima donna
What I chose to write:
“I have a pretty good grasp of [service time issue]…I make the decisions.”
What he really said:
“I think I have a pretty good grasp of [service time issue] but I don’t look into it at all. I don’t make those decisions, I make the decisions on the field for me and how hard I play and that’s all I can control.”
Welington Castillo is confused and might need to be randomly tested
What I chose to write:
“I think…too much. I think…a little bit. At the end of the day, I…have fun.”
What he really said:
“I think i just put too much expectations on myself, too much pressure to get better than what I did the year before. I think that was hurting me a little bit. At the end of the day, I realized it hurt me and I put too much pressure trying to do better. I didn’t just let my ability take care of it and play and go out and have fun. I think that was all on me.”
Jon Lester is a terrible person who’s only here for the money
What I chose to write:
“I represent myself…they want to win. I have x-amount of dollars in the bank…and you probably really don’t want to be around me too much. I’m not real happy.”
What he really said:
“You can see they want it, they want to win. Now it’s just a matter of getting our work in and trying to do that.”
“My contract doesn’t justify me or represent me. I represent myself and how I go about my business. My competitiveness doesn’t change because I have x-amount of dollars in the bank. I want to win, you’ll hear that a lot. If I don’t win, we don’t win, and you probably really don’t want to be around me too much. I’m not real happy — you can talk to my wife about that.”
Theo Epstein confirms that Lester is selfish and that Bryant’s perhaps over-hyped.
What I chose to write:
“In Kris’ case, he’s got his work ahead of him. He’s a kid…he has an individualized player plan the way all our players do.”
“[Lester’s] already showed people around here…he’s all about…him. He’s working hard and has a smile on his face, [but] he really just cares about…him.”
What he really said:
“In Kris’ case, we see him as really, really close to the big leagues. He’s a really talented player and had a phenomenal year last year. When we sit down with the players, we also identify the areas where they need to continue to work. It won’t be news to Kris — he has an individualized player plan the way all our players do.”
“He’s coming to camp to work, he’s a great kid, he’s here early — no surprise there. We love everything about him. He’s got his work ahead of him. We’ll see where we are at the end of Spring Training.”
“He’s already showed people around here what he’s all about. He’s very serious about winning, he’s very serious about working hard. He’s very serious about connecting with his teammates and with the people around him, forming bonds that he feels are important to a winning club. He’s already leading by example. We’ve got some of the young pitchers following Jon around and doing his workout routine.”
“He’s working hard and has a smile on his face the rest of the day and that’s Jon Lester. Joe [Maddon] had a good word — [Lester is] very sincere, he’s very authentic. He really just cares about winning, working hard and bonding with his teammates — winning first and foremost. He seems even more comfortable than I anticipated he would be on the day pitchers and catchers report.”
Edwin Jackson is super selfish
What I chose to write:
“I just…worry about myself. We’ll see. The only thing I’ve been worried about is myself…”
What he really said:
“I just have to worry about myself and do everything that’s possible and do everything I have to do to help the team win ballgames. We’ll see. The only thing I’ve been worried about is getting myself right and getting prepared to play ball.”
Mike Olt knows he belongs in the Majors, resents the Cubs for demoting him
What I chose to write:
“I was never over-matched; pitchers up in the big leagues are not different than the guys in the Minor Leagues.
What he really said:
“The pitchers up in the big leagues are not different than the guys in the Minor Leagues. [The big league pitchers] are able to execute their plan more. When they saw some holes in my swing, they were able to exploit it. It’s all about minimizing those holes. The only way to really minimize it is to simplify everything. I don’t need to generate any more power, I just need to focus on getting in a good hitting position and go from there.
“It’s not like I came back from the batters box last year and said I was over-matched at all, which is the positive I needed to take out of last year. I was never over-matched; I got myself out most of the time.”
Wow, I’m just glad I’m not being graded on this. I went a little overboard in my cutting and splicing, but not much of a stretch to see how you can easily change the order or context of a few quotes to create a totally different message.
Thanks for reading, I’m off to shovel the drive and remove this earworm from my head.