Name That Incorrect Tune: Cubs and Others as Mistaken Lyrics

Not one of us is immune to the growth of the occasional wild hair. But while most choose to pluck or shave them, I’ve found that it’s best to allow one to flourish now and again. So it is that I’ve published comparisons of Cubs players to beers and the Wu-Tang Clan.

I’m not sure what possessed me to liken the Boys in Blue to mondegreens, but that’s what one of the voices inside my head told me to do this morning so here I am. It’s actually quite amazing to type “misheard song lyrics” and see what comes up. Are people really that dense? Probably best to not answer that.

So come along and laugh with me — or, perhaps more appropriately, at me — as I explore misheard song lyrics and which Cubs they most exemplify.

Jimi Hendrix – Purple Haze: “Excuse me while I kiss this guy!” 

Actual lyrics: “Excuse me while I kiss the sky.”

Either way you slice it, Kris Bryant is a no-brainer here. The kid’s ceiling appears to be somewhere in the stratosphere and he’s got nearly every Cubs fan in the country harboring a crush. Now everyone’s just hoping he can imitate the Voodoo Child and chop down the mountain of Cubs failures with the edge of his hand.

An argument can also be made for Joe Maddon, the effervescent skipper whose every press conference or public statement makes fans fall in love with him all over again. Compared to the parade of apologists, curmudgeons, introverts, and role players in recent years, this new leading man is a breath of fresh air.

Creedence Clearwater Revival – Bad Moon Risin’: “There’s a bathroom on the right.”

Actual lyrics: “There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

While he might not be a Cub, he does cover the team. And after his latest tweet about the exemplary plumbing at Sloan Park, I feel like John Fogarty was singing right to Bruce Levine with this one.

Van Halen – Panama: “Animal”

This is one that I had mixed up for a long time. Likewise, I was once taken to task in the comments section of an article I had published on Yahoo — I know: don’t read the comments — for talking about Ricky Renteria’s ability to relate to “Latin” players.

The commenter chastised me, calling me lazy for referring to players from the Caribbean and Central and South America as Latin. He went on to refer to those folks as raped Indians, so I’m not sure what right he had to argue semantics. Anthony Rizzo, he said, is Latin because he is of Italian descent.

For this song though, I’m going to combine the accepted nomenclature as it relates to Latin America with my critic’s view. Besides, both Panama and Italy (Venice at least) are known for canals, so there’s a common bond. And Rizzo is definitely an animal on the baseball diamond (hence the claws).

Elton John – Tiny Dancer: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”

He never played for the Cubs in his 14 big league seasons, but Steve Sax did at least spend a couple years on the South Side. He also had a cameo on Who’s the Boss as a musician named Steve — he played the sax — who served as a ringer on Tony Micelli’s softball team.

R.E.M. – Losing My Religion: “Let’s pee in the corner.”

Also Bruce Levine.

Robert Palmer – Addicted To Love: “Might as well face it, you’re a dick with a glove.”

Oh, there are so many names I could put here. In the end, though, I’m going to let Milton Bradley and Ian Stewart share the honors. I don’t think any more explanation is required.

I know there are others I missed, and that’s where you come in. If you’ve got any more misheard lyrics, share ’em in the comments below.