Monday Fungos: Cleaning up for a homecoming

How better for the Chicago Cubs to finish a crisp, clean 6-1 road trip than by bringing out the broom in New York. So with an Irish Spring in the step, a good Febreze at our backs and any other household-product plugs you can think of, let’s Dust-Off the welcome mat to Snuggle with an old Bon Ami.

And you know who I mean: the original Brawny paper towel man – Jake Arrieta – whose Phillies visit starting Tuesday. Until then, let’s Pledge to Dial up the good Cheer with these Fungos:

  1. More bad news for Tyler Chatwood. Even his dog is fed up with all the walks and has become a filthy shut-in.
  2. A Pittsburgh eatery got the best revenge when Anthony Rizzo popped in for Kung Pao Chicken to go. With a little diuretic “seasoning” added, they created a different kind of Take Out Slide.
  3. When Pirates GM Neal Huntington sold his franchise down the river this winter, did he ever specify which of the three rivers?
  4. Thank goodness for uniforms because the Pirates’ choking against the Cubs sure sounded a lot like the Brewers.
  5. This week Mike Montgomery proved what a step-up teammate he is. To keep Yu Darvish’s interpreter sharp, Monty let him translate during both of Monty’s post-game news conferences. (And the translator did great, choosing to not translate Montgomery saying, “Ha! I told you so!”)
  6. If Godzilla shows up for real in New York, I bet he beelines for that big Mets apple in centerfield. After a disappointing first bite, the reign of terror begins.
  7. What do you think Mets’ reliever Robert Gsellman /guh-sell-man/ calls the G-spot? (New York sports radio answer: Probably “her knee,” cause Mets relievers always miss their spots.)
  8. Whenever I hear men in big beards like Jake Arrieta rant publicly, I want to say, “At least show some class and put it in a manifesto like the Unabomber.”
  9. When did Cubs radio broadcasts get a laugh track? I haven’t heard so much suck-up background guffawing since Hank Kingsley on “The Larry Sanders Show.”
  10. And last but not least, that moment again when life imitates a Looney Tunes sound effect.

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